I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
