She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
