her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
