My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
