ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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