I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
