Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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