dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
