I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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