yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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