drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
