I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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