Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
