i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
