question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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