like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
