There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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