What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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