You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
