look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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