Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
