Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
