I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
