I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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