My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
