Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
