chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
