having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
