He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
