I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
