pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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