Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
