"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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