A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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