I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
