I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
