If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
