I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
