I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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