There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
