You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
