You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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