Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
