my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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