Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
BRING THE BAGELS
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
