May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
