I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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