where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
