A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
