I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
