I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
