Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
